this time tomorrow.

I am at such a loss for words on how to describe leaving. And then this song popped up on my iPod on my last bus ride home from AUC.

This time tomorrow where will we be
On a spaceship somewhere sailing across an empty sea
This time tomorrow what will we know
Well we still be here watching an in-flight movie show

I'll leave the sun behind me and watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by
Seven miles below ma I can see the world and it ain't so big at all
This time tomorrow what will we see
Field full of houses, endless rows of crowded streets

I don't where I'm going, I don't want to see
I feel the world below me looking up at me
Leave the sun behind me, and watch the clouds as they sadly pass me by
And I'm in perpetual motion and the world below doesn't matter much to me

This time tomorrow where will we be
On a spaceship somewhere sailing across any empty sea
This time tomorrow, this time tomorrow
- The Kinks.

This time tomorrow, I will be on the other side of the world. And ready, I think, for the next big step that it will bring. But tonight, it's time to say goodbye.

there will be a Cairo shaped hole in my Heart.

"When arriving in a city, we see streets in perspective. Sequences of buildings with no meaning. Everything is unknown, virgin.

Later we'll have lived in this city. We'll have walked in its streets. We'll have been to the end of the perspectives. We'll have seen all the buildings. We'll have lived stories with people. When we'll have lived in this city, we'll have taken this street five, ten, hundreds of times.

After a moment, everything belongs to you because you've lived there."

-L'auberge espagnole

yes and no.

Almost all of my conversations in the past week have included some version of the following: "Hey, you're leaving Cairo soon - are you excited? How does that feel?"
And every time I open my mouth to answer, I find myself saying different versions of the same thing. Mostly, "Yes and no."

Yes - I am unbelievably excited to have my family and my friends in Atlanta in my life again. To drive a car and eat Mexican food and resume my life that I abandoned a year ago. I am ecstatic about leaving AUC and heading back to Georgia Tech. For American football and the smell of bacon. To rejoin my stateside AIESEC family and start making a change in Atlanta. For Target and Urban Outfitters and good beer and having voicemail on my phone. To start rebuilding a life in the States.

No - I have had migraine-inducing anxiety attacks over not knowing what will happen when I go home. And leaving my Egyptian family and friends. I've started randomly tearing up in the backs of taxis and get nostalgiac over the smell of ta'ameyya for the life that I have made here. AUC is a drag, but the people that I have met there are definitely not, and the AIESECers here have built me something I feel like I will be removign bones knowing I won't see them whenever I want. I am terrified of reverse culture shock and all that comes with it - I know it will be worse this time. I am a very different person, and the US is a very different place than when I last saw it.

It's daunting, and I think that the next few weeks will only make it more difficult. But it's all part of the challenge that I signed up for.

a jaunt ends.

LevantaPalooza rolls closed, and I am really excited to go home. It's been an adventure, and I have interesting stories to tell. Some bad, some good, but in the end, the Dream lives on.

And less than a month left in Cairo until I head stateside. Which is growing more terrifying than I thought, and I am both dreading leaving and excited to leave. It's an odd simultaneous tearing that is located somewhere around my stomach. I can't tell which urge is stronger today.

it's this feeling, it smells like revolution.

It's there. I can feel it - pulling right behind my stomach, an ache between my eyes, a general sense of boredom and knowing that this has all been done before.

I need a change.

And I guess the timing is about right - I know a major change is coming, and soon, and I have just been in one place for too long. And it's not Egypt, I think, but AUC and everything that comes along with it. Because sometimes I will look out my window and see this amazing view and listen to the call to prayer coming from the green-lit mosques and I know, right then and there, that this is a moment, and I am in it and experiencing it and loving it, but it is fleeting and impermanent and one day, I will look out a window and I will see something else entirely. And that idea is already making me a little sad. But on campus, I feel like the apathy is creeping into me, the laziness and the lowered standards - I need to get out before it all latches on. I don't feel like it is challenging me to grow - and if you aren't growing, you're dying.
And I am anxious because I don't know what is coming. And I can't really do anything about it from here. That this minute I have to throw my hands up, smile, and say insha'Allah. Although I wouldn't say no to suggestions on what to do. Books to read, music to listen to, revolutions to start. It's time for something new.

Dialogue.

Last week, AIESEC Egypt hosted the third Middle East North Africa Exchange and Leadership Development Seminar, and kicked the whole thing off with a Global Village, an event that allows delegates to share aspects of their culture through food, music, pictures, or anything like that. Now, I wasn't able to attend the conference because of school, but I was able to go to Global Village and see the twenty countries represented taking over the Corniche in Gezira. It is strange to think that it was two years ago that I was in Morocco, participating in the same thing. So much has changed since then, but its incredible to see familiar faces so much later.
(Gail from UAE and David Ziser from Kansas/Oman and me and the beautiful Denise from GT). A note on my t-shirt: My 19th birthday present from Katie Mitchell, a Ramblin' Wreck shirt that has the song on the back - this shirt has been worn to every conference and global village I have ever attended as a member of @GT. I am in love with it.)

As there was only one delegate representing the US, which was a little disappointing, but given the financial constraints of the conference and travel to Egypt is a little understandable, we helped deck out the table. Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter and jelly, Pepsi (although I was upset that our friend from @Madison bought Pepsi and not Coke...my Atlanta roots were pained by that), a Braves hat, and as much Obama stuff as I had in my apartment. Which was cool when people asked for pictures with us, the table, the flag, and Obama's picture.

Which brings me to the role of the Global Village - to learn about other cultures, build relationships, and use that knowledge to create conversations that may one day change the world. Which is just what Obama is doing. His message to Iran exemplifies just that, the willingness to learn about a culture, reach out to them, and begin a dialogue that will initiate change. It's a small step towards a bigger leap, and the man keeps making me proud.

This is exactly what we need around the world - the creation of dialogue. The inclusion of two parties contributing equally to a conversation about the world. And that doesn't just mean speaking, it means listening, too.

For example, the conflict in Israel and Palestine is many things. Complicated, important, heartbreaking, horrifying. But more than anything, I think it is something that changes in definition depending on who you ask. Before coming to Egypt, I was unsure of everything - I had read about it, and knew basics of the conflict, but my understanding of it has completely changed now. Not because I have chosen sides, but because I have had the opportunity to listen to both of them, learn from both of them. And it is increasingly frustrating to find people who refuse to initiate dialogue from a standpoint of being fair and balanced, from both sides.

If you want a different perspective of the conflict than what is usually reported in the US, check out this discussion started by an Israeli university on the role of their military in the conflict. For the full description, take a look at Haaretz, a left-leaning news center in Jerusalem. It is a step towards recognizing the need for developing an honest dialogue on both sides.

the endings of oh-eight, in pictures.

A room with a view.

A new year, a new start. The view from my apartment. Yes, that is the Nile and most of Zamalek. Jealous? You should come and see it for yourself. More apartment pictures to come...

A new MCP.
Tiffany Curtiss, one of my heroes not only in AIESEC but in my whole life. One day, this woman cornered me after an AIESEC meeting to come to dinner. Her (gentle) pushing is the reason I have come so far in this organization, the reason why I have such high goals that I am working to attain, and why I have been inspired to see every side of this world, know it, and make it a better place. If you don't know her yet, you should get to know her. You will know her someday either way because when they say change agent, this is what they mean. This picture is from the very very beginning, and always makes me smile to think of all that has happened since then. Congratulations Tiffany, I am so excited to come back to AIESEC in the US in June and work with you!

A friend heading back stateside.
Roommate number two to head back to the USofA. This girl has infiltrated my vocabulary, made these past few months bearable, renewed my love for hopping around like a crazy, and is totally ball-hair. I'm going to miss bovering her and commenting on various repressions that we experienced in this country, and so much more.

A Jenny-Benny.
Hey guess what? I miss you. Yeah, that's right. Like tons.

A city that I love.
Cairo, Al-Qaharra, Masr. I love this city. Yes, you can see the pyramids in this picture, if you look really hard. I'm celebrating the entry of 2009 in Siwa with Christina, and in just over a week I will be flying to London and Paris. But Cairo is becoming home.

Happy New Year. 2009 I'm feeling will be a fantastic year, insha'Allah.

A Long December

And it's only the second day.

I have to admit, though, that I am so relieved that the semester is ending. It has been - I'm trying to think of an appropriate adjective here - arduous? difficult? soul-searching? - whatever its been, its almost over. I am ready for the new semester specifically because it is new - a lot of new things. A new apartment, a new set of classes, new people, new chances, new experiences. On the other side of December bright and shiny and new.
But that means I have to get through December first. And that means a lot of other things. I have to finish a paper by the end of the term, and give a presentation about another paper I have already turned in. I have two exams, but strangely not really concerned about either of them. I have to revise, edit, and prepare a portfolio of my writing, as well as write my own curriculum for my independent study for next semester. I have to move out of my apartment, and watch everyone leave me, again. My roommates, friends, everyone non-Egyptian, basically, heads back to the states this month. I have to watch everyone leave, again. And I spend Christmas when everyone is gone. And I have to wait until March to see anyone from my life back home. Sometimes, I don't think my heart can take it.
Granted, December means Turkey. It means a break from school. It means I'm that much closer to going to London, and Paris. I'm that much closer to going home. I can't tell what is closer and what is farther away - my perception has gone all distorted.

It's scary. Everything seems so far away here. People, responsibility, the rest of the world. Everything just seems distant.

I've got to find a way to reconnect. Otherwise, this is going to be a long, long December.

and another generation begins...

Congratulations to Amira, the new LCP of AIESEC GT!!

It's weird to think it's been so long since the last election, and even more so since I started my EB term. What a weird, changed world I've got around me now.

Good luck to the next round.

Aasefer bil'Qahara.

maa'salema.

See you on the other side of the world. 9 Months of Cairene living begins. I'm ready for the next great adventure.

A messy rebirth.

I don't even feel like I need to write about it, but I can't wrap my head around it yet. It's a chance for us who have been calling for something better to be that change in the organization that has so irrevocably changed us. Where do we stand, reborn? How do we grow again? Who will be the leaders, the teachers, the guiders? Can I count myself among them when I will be so far away? Will I be the new AIESEC US? Do I have the strength to be greater than those whose shoulders I have built upon? To be stronger? To be more humble in the face of the members that give me power? Because we are nothing without our smallest member, our newest face to the AIESEC family. I just know that my home, my family, is back on the map, and I couldn't be more proud of the work that they have done in the past two years I have known them.

Four.

I have four days left in the States. I am indescribably terrified and excited and want to stay and leave at the same time.
I continue to procrastinate despite my earlier declaration against it, but I think I am subconsciously playing out this terrible anxiety in apathetic actions - if I do nothing, I feel nothing.
Clearly - from my odd dreams and minute freakouts - this is not working.
Enough is enough. Time to pack up my life.

Daily Paradigm Shift

I respect, more than anything, the willingness of others to change. I revere individuals that embrace this phenomenon, the people that leap into change head first, not solely accepting changes that happen upon them, but their entire ambition is to constantly change and grow while supporting, pushing, encourage others to experience the same impact.
From reading about a revolution in perspective, to discussions with my role models about their direction in life, from gentle pushes from across the ocean to examine how to improve myself to improve others, to a hero of mine sincerely forcing me to look into the direction of my own - it constantly pushes me to change myself, my perceptions, and to focus my direction. To discover my purpose.
I am consistently impressed that AIESEC has placed these incredible people in my life. That their experiences in this organization has shaped them in away that they have been able to shape me, that their changes in perception of individuals, of cultures, of growth and the globe have so significantly changed my own. That taking on these challenges, whether it is a traineeship, an international conference, or leading other such amazing individuals, do not accept that they have overcome these challenges, but are constantly looking for new ones.
It is amazing that the slightness of one action impacts so many others. That missing a bus my freshman year allowed me to read a flyer advertising AIESEC, that one night of hunger turned into a dinner that cemented my personal connection to some other AIESECers that have been some of my closest friends, that one delayed plane caused me to have some of the most constructive and inspiring conversations of my life. That allowing myself to be dragged to one information session a year and a half ago could give me so many of the opportunities that AIESEC has.
Preston told me this, in a dead-tired, half-aware state on the plane somewhere over the Appalachian Mountains - there is a reason that change is in the word exchange. Because exchange may be the medium of AIESEC, but change is what we do.

ch-ch-changes

yeesh...look what I found.

ugh...high school.


yay for change.

one year later...

so i got the wonderful chance to seriously enjoy some sushi with one of my favorite people ever tonight. i had not seen Sara for almost six months, and in high school we saw each other for hours every day, knew so much about each other, and promised that we would utilize our limited distance between us to take advantage of continuing some aspect of that.
well, due to complications, communication gaps, and my serious states-absence this summer, its been six months. and its not like you would have expected, it was in no way awkward for me (like it usually is) I was simple excited to see her, to be with her, and to have her a part of my life again. But it has been so long.
When we talked about everything that has happened to us since then, everything that has impacted the world we lived in in high school - it was strange. and it got us to thinking - what changes will there be in a year? in two? who will we be in five years?

certainly not who I was in high school. oh god, i hope not. i don't even feel like a shadow of that kid that knew nothing of the world or herself, but maybe that is why i am doing all that i am doing. to get away from that. it's hard to know what to keep and what to toss, kind of like everything in my life right now.


anyways, dear nomads, this is post number 100. hope you like it so far.

tonight's the night.

I got this email this morning.

Maddie,

On May 1, you sent yourself this message. Today is the day that you thought you should read it.

"applications are due in November. make a decision. what could you do with it? where could you go? who could you impact? it's up to you."

We hope you've enjoyed the adventure of knowing yourself.

Dreaminder
www.dreaminder.com

So I got the date wrong, but tonight I will see what comes of the decision I made. Elections are about eight hours. We'll see what happens. Either way - today is a good day. I can feel it.

homesweethome.

i got home this afternoon - and it was a mixture of happy and sad. and it is something to get used to, that's for sure.

namaste, hindustan.

tum to thehre pardesi
saath kya nibahogay
subha pehli gaadi say
ghar ko lot jaogay

foreigner, you don't belong here.
you cannot know love -
the train leaves tomorrow,
and you must go.

~~~

ten weeks ago, i stepped out into the blaring heat of New Delhi, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to do.
tomorrow - i leave here and travel back home, not knowing what to expect, not knowing what to do.

i only know that India, AIESEC, and this summer has changed my life.

thanks.

Little Tibet

A weekend excursion to the Himalayas and a small village called McLeod Ganj led to some thinking. This village, the home to the Dalai Lama and the exiled Tibetan government, led to some thinking. Mostly about the meaning of home. I thought about the six weeks that have passed since I had left my home, willingly and enthusiastically setting out to impact the world. But knowing the history of Tibet, what would it be like if I could never go home? The life of a refugee is impossible to imagine or define - these people will never have a home. They may one day return to Lhasa, perhaps even claim the province as a sovereign nation, but it will never again be their home. Too much has happened, too much has changed their life for them to consider anything home.

And what about me? What if the changes that have occurred in me during the past six weeks, and there have been many, are too great? Will I be able to call Atlanta home after living and experiencing all that I have in India? Reading about other's experiences about reverse culture shock scares the hell out of me, and hearing about the changes that have occurred in others (to a negative effect) after being abroad scares me even more. Will everyone accept the new me? Will the new me even fit in my American life?
So in this beautiful, incredible, even spiritual place - all I could think about were the changes that India has carved into me. Sometimes I wish I could just shut my brain up from thinking so much, but I know that is what makes me human. I just wish I wasn't so damn vulnerable.

But McLeod Ganj is beautiful, and the people I experienced it with were incredible. A day of trekking and talking with Buddhist monks at the foot of a Himalayan waterfall, reciting mantras in the home of the Dalai Lama, and listening to him teach his disciples was followed by a night of shenanigans. We rented a house in a small village about five kilometers north of McLeod, called Dharamkot, and lived like kings for a night - drinking, dancing, and talking about everything and nothing until 3 in the morning. Followed by spooning, lots and lots of spooning. I woke to the clouds surrounding the house, the most delicious chai I have ever tasted, and a cool breeze with hints of Himalayan rain.


The trip back to Chandigarh was harder than you can imagine.

full circle.

it was just over a year ago that I stood in front of hundreds to give a speech, nearly crying and fainting, nervous beyond anything, full of stage fright, devoid of confidence, and barely able to stand without my knees shaking.

this morning - I gave a speech to about 50 kids about the importance of public speaking and its role in personal and professional development. I spoke clearly, loudly, with confidence and conviction.


talk about a full circle of change. I am a different person today. and I blame AIESEC.

constant contradictions.

So something I have discovered about India, beyond the obvious other things.
It is a place of huge contradictions.

I was riding a bus back from Delhi (a non-air conditioned bus at that, talk about grossly and disgustingly hot, dirty, sweatiness...) and was watching the landscape roll by. One of the first things evident in India, beyond heat and noise, is the incredible amount of poverty. About 23% of the population of India lives below the poverty line, at about 100 Rupees a day (around $2.15). And believe me - Rs. 100 does not go very far here - clean water costs Rs. 15 a liter and a half kilo of rice is about Rs. 70. It is difficult to imagine a meal for an entire family - just one meal - on that budget. And it isn't hidden or subtle - a taxi from the Delhi airport passes through blocks filled with corrugated metal houses covered in colorful tarps that are stolen from stores and construction sites.
This bus ride was through some small villages and towns, many with crumbling brick buildings or actual thatched huts - and there was one village that we passed that was about the size of maybe half a football field, falling apart, and covered with mud and filled with people sleeping in the shade of a tarp to keep out of the blistering sun. Above the main market (a mere wooden table with a tarp and a few chairs filled with emaciated men and women) was a sign for an investment company, a non-Indian company, that showed a women being driven in a luxury car and looking at skyscrapers in the distance. It was captioned - "Building a New India".
Another, a few kilometers up the road, with no visible town or village in sight, a man was herding cows under a sign advertising the announcement of a brand new mall and multiplex to be developed on the site. The man had to avoid the deep holes and concrete pillars that were already crumbling, the site began years ago and has not progressed.
Alcohol advertisements are built on huge signs next to Sikh temples, and half dressed women sell makeup and perfume while the women below walk with their heads and faces covered by veils.
It is difficult to see these attempts or symbols of Indian progress - especially that of the Indian elite in contrast against the impoverished. It seems almost as if India wants to prove its arrival into the world market as a major contender, where in reality it is only the wealthy that progress. There is so much work to be done here. So much that needs to change in order to move forward.
Maybe, just maybe, I can work to make a difference here. It breaks my heart to think that I might not have an effect in my 10 weeks here - I will try everything I can to.

the times they are a changing.

the semester is almost over.
which makes me think about impending finals.
which makes me think of how i felt the last time i took finals in the spring.
which makes me think of one night when i knew everything had changed.
which makes me think of the way it was before it changed.
which makes me think i might miss that.
which makes me think - there is no way that i can go back to that moment.
but why would i want to?

so many amazing things happened this year. college has changed my life. for the better i think.
i can't believe where i was just one year ago - and how far i have come. and yes, i measure my life in school years because i am not in the real world yet. thank goodness - i don't think i could handle it.

coming up:
working in India. a new semester. traveling to paris to visit jimmy. another international conference. more @. more independence. a new me.