Reaffirmation.

First of all, I am fine. Cairo will be fine. The world at large will be fine. It's just at the moment it feels like it's moving in some form of alternative gravity. Like it should be spinning another way. But I promise that I am fine.

I want to understand why something like this happens. Actually, I don't think anyone really could understand it, or want to understand the reasoning behind it. I have stood in that spot, exactly. Walked through it dozens of times. Met friends there, laughed there. I could find it in my sleep. And yesterday, there was an explosion there.

Cairo has never left me feeling unsafe or insecure. I have never equated it with terrorism, and I have worked very hard to make sure others understand my conviction. I want people to understand how beautiful it is here, how breathtaking it is. I want people to understand why I love it. And I do. It is not that Egypt is a perfect place. There are many things, in fact, that are wrong with it. Philip's arrest kind of threw that back into focus, and yesterday's events made it even more clear that this country, the region, the mentality that exists about both of them, need work, but more than that - that they are worth working for.

This only reaffirms the choices I have made. There is work to be done and challenges to be faced. And if not me, who? If not now, when? There has been time enough spent worrying, accusing, and vilifying. There needs to be a step towards understanding, although in reality it is more like several leaps, but its not fifteen kilometers of unpassable desert. It is not the expanse of the Atlantic or the Gulf or the gaps in language and culture. It is only the distance between people.

random Updates on my life, a list.

1. classes started. chaos ensued. unsure of current direction of life.

2. chose somewhat odd classes this year. International human rights law, comparative politics, Arabic, Contemporary Political Islam, and creative writing. unsure of current direction of life.

3. odd feeling of emptiness, probably just hunger. unsure of current direction of life.

4. waiting for something, but not sure what, to start. unsure of current direction of life.

start spreading the news, I'm leaving today...

Leaving for New York this afternoon with my fearless leader to step into a whole new fray - Subgroup.

I am slightly mixed about this trip - I am excited to be more involved on a national level (which I have not been able to do between being abroad, being sick, and becoming an NFT) and be integral (or hopefully so) in the direction of this organization. On the other and less pretty hand, there are some aspects of Subgroup that I find less than tasty - a great deal of transparency issues, favoritism, and interaction/dependency on external consultants (also issues that I have raised with national staff) make me wary of not only the efficacy of this group, but also its objectives.
I plan on entering the meetings this weekend with an open mind to the work that Subgroup does and the people involved with it, but also to constantly remind myself (and hopefully those that I will be working with) that everything we do in this organization, all the time, effort, blood, sweat, tears, and other bodily fluids - it is always to make the mission more attainable, the experience of the general member more meaningful, and to create a bigger impact in our communities, in AIESEC, and around the world. So much of the loss of focus on that mission and goal, or what I perceive of it anyways, is the loss of the bigger picture. We are part of something greater, and I think AIESECers in the US, particularly ones that have dedicated a considerable amount of time to the organization (even more so the ones that dedicate that part of their lives without experiencing the glory of the traineeship rocketship), forget that. So much of this organization depends on the belief that life is more than the sum of its parts, kiddo. AIESEC is the same.

yallah, habibi.

The time has come for me to leave the United States again. I'm feeling tied down, trapped, whatever - I just want to get out and see the world some more. Now I just have to figure out how to do it.

I am looking for a study abroad opportunity for this summer (preferably an intensive Arabic language program), as well as for either fall 2008 or all of next academic year (August 2008 - Summer 2009). It has to offer Middle Eastern politics, history, and culture as well as Modern Standard Arabic - so in the Middle East. And I want somewhere that has AIESEC. And that is flexible enough for me to travel around the region.

Any advice?

get off your ass, woman.

or the world's gonna pass you by.

i have to get my act in gear. for real. i have so many choices to make in the next few days, and all i can find myself doing is watching the daily show, scribbling thoughts on the backs of papers, and buying movies without watching them. it's not for lack of things to do, for i have many. i am just avoiding responsibility for my life, which is no bueño, verdad.

i had such focus coming back from India. where has it gone? am i that demotivated that i have lost all interest in the direction of these next few days? weeks? years? lifetimes?
i don't want to disappoint anyone else, disappointing myself is enough, thanks. and i feel like that is all i am doing. i've swam enough circles to drown a dolphin, and beaten enough dead cows to throw me in indian prison.

i just wish i could get back to...whoever i was before i was this.
maybe i should figure out who that was. i need some definite soul searching. but, i don't think i can do it alone.

this road is curvy, and sometimes its unexpected.

So - I will not be LCP for AIESEC at Georgia Tech in 2008.
And strangely enough, I am really okay with that. Preston is an incredible AIESECer, and I know that he is an amazing asset to AIESEC here and everywhere. Like I said before, the man is Captain AIESEC.
No worries, other AIESECers, I am nowhere near leaving. Although I will face the dire fact of being NFT'd in three months, I know that there is so much in this organization I can still achieve. And I am lucky that I will have the support of an marvelous LCP like the P-Rhea.

But it does throw into question - what am I going to do in the next year? (I'm quite open for suggestions! Please give me some ideas) I have a lot of choices, but each is as exciting as the next - it's going to be hard to choose. But for the next few days, at least, I can relax. I am heading to Paris on Friday (YAY - SOOOOO EXCITING!) to see my brother, and I can't wait to get there.

tonight's the night.

I got this email this morning.

Maddie,

On May 1, you sent yourself this message. Today is the day that you thought you should read it.

"applications are due in November. make a decision. what could you do with it? where could you go? who could you impact? it's up to you."

We hope you've enjoyed the adventure of knowing yourself.

Dreaminder
www.dreaminder.com

So I got the date wrong, but tonight I will see what comes of the decision I made. Elections are about eight hours. We'll see what happens. Either way - today is a good day. I can feel it.

YouVA. take 1.

So I have finally figured out what to work on during my time in India, time that is moving faster than I thought it would be. I arrived a little more than a week ago, coming to work at an NGO, EduCARE, and completely lost on where to start and what to do. And now - I think I have a plan.

Besides working on cultural education and HIV/AIDS awareness the Project Worldview, I will be working on developing a youth conference for EduCARE called YouVA Week. Youva, in Hindi, means youth - and stands for Youth for Volunteer Action in coordination with the UN's International Youth Day. Basically it is a week long program for 15-24 year olds in Chandigarh to learn about issues that impact their community, like the 20 different slums in the city, the prevalence of HIV-positive citizens, and the pollution of its water source by a city's worth of trash, and then actually act on them. Working with the schools, the NGOs of Chandigarh, and EduCARE - it will be a chance for the people of Chandigarh to break the dichotomy of wealthy and impoverished and and realize these issues influence everyone in India, and everyone in the world, despite income or rank.
I'm excited - its something to work on with a goal and a tangible result. Something I have been needing for quite some time. (any ideas to help me - let me know!)

ok, getting down from the proverbial soap box...

went and hung out last night with a bunch of Canadians, a German, a Dutch, and one other American around some poker, pizza (Indian Pizza Hut is a little strange...like the fact that they use pizza cheese and paneer), mango juice, and Kingfisher. It was really interesting and fun. Partly because we got to hang out in the air-conditioned house of the Canadian Embassy, but also because these other trainees are so hilarious and fun to be with. And of course the fact that I won, always a good sign. And apparently, they didn't know my name or where I was working until last night, so they had been calling me Atlanta for a few weeks. The name, for some reason, has stuck. Tonight I get to go to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3 with them at some theater in Chandigarh. And it's Johnny Depp, I mean, come on. It will be fun, and a chance to meet more of the trainees that live in Sector 21.

something's missing.

i can't say what, but it's not there.


all i know is i feel the need to lay on the grass and listen to music in the sunshine. (you know the type of music that defines moments. and lifetimes.)


i need a change in course. i need a change in scenery. i need a change in perception.

i think Mike said it best: "It's...getting...really...really...hard...to...take...academics...seriously...right...now...especially when I have a revolution to start and a job to find."

well i might have found the job, but the revolution is still in the works.