reminders of @Love.

On Sunday, I hosted a dinner of a bunch of AIESECers who happen to be in Cairo - some Madisonians, @CU-ers, and interns - a tradition that I have adopted from our old LC dinners and am trying to implement here. I cooked an obscene amount of food, which of course was not even close to enough, and brought out the little Arab mother in me, making sure people were eating enough, had everything they needed, and were doing nothing but enjoying themselves while I ran around getting food, tea, and whatnot together for them. It was a great evening, getting to see people I hadn't for awhile, and introduce new ones into the crowd that has become a mini-@Egypt family. And the lovely Denise, an @er from GT working here in Cairo, brought me one of the best gifts I have gotten in a very long time. Some love from home - in the form of a t-shirt and a card, which just about put me to tears.

I can't even recall how many times I have gone on and on about AIESEC GT Love. But they are my family, my friends, my coworkers, and my inspiration. They remind me of how to live the Dream, and that while they make me proud, I constantly want to make them proud, too. I can't explain how much I miss all of them or how truly special and unique what we have at @GT is. I'm a gushing mess of love for those kids.

a little late for Valentine's Day.

"If there is no love in the world, we will make a new world, and we will give it walls, and we will furnish it with soft, red interiors, from the inside out, and give it a knocker that resonates like a diamond falling to a jeweller's felt so that we should never hear it. Love me, because love doesn't exist, and I have tried everything that does."

- Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

Prophetic Grounds

"Who broke your heart? Tell me this - I have to know."

He was spinning my cold coffee cup between his hands staring intently - alternating between me and my empty cup. He told me that he could see my heart - and it wasn't dirty but it was dark. Dark with burning secrets that I have carried for so long - on my winding path. One of the many paths that I had - some were short and easy and some were long and dıffıcult but all were true and clear. And there was a rabbit following a lıght. And two strong fıgures - a flame breathıng dragon and a horse - were facıng each other. It wasn't bad - but just two opposıng forces. Or people.
And on my saucer - after lettıng ıt drıp ınto the empty cup and whısperıng Turkısh over ıt - there was a crescent moon. He saıd that ıt was only for the Turkısh - but there ıt was. Sayıng that my wısh wıll come true - though ıt wıll be long and dıffıcult. Be patıent he saıd. But ıt wıll come.

"Tell me. Who ıs ıt that broke your heart?"

Istanbul not Constantınople

Im ın love wıth Istanbul. There I saıd ıt. In love. Just lıke everyone saıd I would be.

Thıs cıty ıs nothıng lıke I expected. I dıdnt really know what to expect - but ıt was such a surprıse. A pleasant one at that. The only way I can thınk of explaınıng ıt ıs a mıxture of Parıs and Rabat and Valencıa - but I dont know ıf that does ıt any justıce. The cıty ıs so green and smells lıke pıne trees and roastıng chestnuts and the Medıterranean. It ıs so clean. I forgot how clean cıtıes can be - Istanbul ıs a fabulous remınder. And when the salaht sounds - ıt ıs so much more beautıful than ın Caıro - and ıt echoes from the top of the hıll startıng wıth the Blue Mosque and downward through the cıty. And ıt ıs so loud that ıt kınd of vıbrates ın your chest - lıke ıt was so beautıful ıt was grabbıng a hold of your heart.

Yesterday was our fırst day - Im travelıng wıth Sarah and Jenny - two roommates - Sophıa - a frıend - and sort of my other roommate - Chrıstına (she ıs travelıng for awhıle and wıll be splıttıng from us soon) and her frıend - Katıe. Our orıgınal plan was to overload wıth the basıcs - the Ayasofya and the Blue Mosque and all that - but decıded to start slow. So we went to the hamam - a Turkısh bath. It was an ıncredıble experıence - our hamam was over 500 years old and so beautıful. I got scrubbed lıke no other and a massage and a facıal - all of whıch were worth the kınd of prıcey ınvestment - my skın feels ıncredıble and ıt got me so ıncredıbly excıted to take on the cıty ın a sort of new skın. It also was one of those ın the moment experıences that you cant really shake - so absolutely amazıng.

For lunch - we had thıs delıcıous thıng called Kumpır - a baked potato that ıs whıpped ın the skın wıth butter and salt and some kınd of delıcıous cheese and then topped wıth a whole mess of delıcıousness - couscous and corn and peas and chılı sauce and pıckles and mystery meat and olıves and such. So ıncredıbly good. And of course some Turkısh delıghts - whıch are much better than I ever remember them beıng.

We then found out that all the bazaars were closıng for Eıd - whıch makes sense but was totally unexpected - so we rushed through the Grand Bazaar before ıt closed for the week and made some mad purchasıng. Well - some more than others. I kept ıt to a relatıve mınımum compared to the other gırls. But ıt was fun and an ıncredıble space and so excıtıng.

Then we - beıng exhausted - came back and had some dınner and decıded to go on a pub crawl ın Taksım - a more modern part of the cıty - wıth Chrıstınas hostel. It was fun - we went from a bar that played terrıble versıons of bad musıc wıth a lıve band to a rock bar that had a sınger ın a jean vest and long haır sıngıng the Fınal Countdown - among other tunes - to Turkısh headbangers to an ınsanely packed club where the balconıes bounced wıth the dancıng people. It was fun and kınd of absolutely ınsane - but all I payed was two lıre for the whole shebang - not a bad deal.

Well Im off to contınue my love affaır wıth thıs cıty.

Love from Istanbul.

this modern love.

Bloc Party, 'This Modern Love' - A Take Away Show from La Blogotheque on Vimeo.

lovey-dovey, ooh la la.

1. Love you Madly - Cake
2. Don't Kiss Me Goodbye - Ultra Orange & Emmanuelle
3. Haitian Love Songs - CocoRosie
4. Cliquot - Beirut
5. Gloomy Sunday - Iva Bittova
6. Samson - Regina Spektor
7. All the World is Green - Tom Waits
8. Desperately Wanting - Better than Ezra
9. High & Dry - Jamie Cullum
10. On Your Porch (Acoustic) - The Format
11. Talk Show Host - Radiohead
12. Is you is, or is you ain't my baby? - Dinah Washington
13. Black is the color of my true love's hair - Nina Simone
14. Wild is the Wind - Cat Power
15. The Only Living Boy in New York - Simon & Garfunkel
16. Someday you Will be Loved - Death Cab for Cutie
17. My Funny Valentine - Chet Baker
18. The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
19. Anyone Else but You - The Moldy Peaches
20. Lover's Spit - Broken Social Scene
21. Nothing Better - The Postal Service
22. For Martha - Smashing Pumpkins
23. Cry Me a River - Julie London
24. I'm Kissing You - Des'ree
25. Baby, It's You - Smith
26. Mexico - Jump Little Children
27. I just don't think I'll ever get over you - Colin Hay
28. Green Eyes - Coldplay


get to lovin'.

buffalo gals, won't you come out tonight?

George: What is it you want, Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary.

Mary: I'll take it. Then what?

George: Well, then you can swallow it, and it'll all dissolve, see... and the moonbeams would shoot out of your fingers and your toes and the ends of your hair... am I talking too much?



i'm not a romantic. god, no. i've always sort of fumbled around a bunch when it comes to that. i have an unfortunate perpetual fear of relationships and commitment (a fear that i am trying hard to overcome.) but this one scene makes me crave someone to share it with, always. it makes me want someone who will promise me something as intangible as the moon. this is my romance - not flowers, not rehearsed love soliloquies, just two people acknowledging how ridiculous love makes them, understanding that these intangible promises are not for the moon, but for the heart.
like Neruda says - loving without knowing how, or why, or from where. just knowing that it is there.

my achy-breaky heart.

tonight I wrote a love letter.

it was addressed, dear sir.

and it will probably never go to the person it was written to. but it did feel good to write it. for the first time in a long time, admit how i really feel.



i just wish i had the courage to say it out loud.

recovering addict.

one day, on a bus traveling from Haridwar to Chandigarh, a girl threw a book down on her lap and proclaimed "i'm free!"

that girl? me.
that book? Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

thank you J.K. Rowling for ending my literary addiction. now if Warner Brothers could do the same...

yay.

1st roks, check.
done and done.
i love aiesecers.
more later.